Converse Relationships

Rocket science: For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. i.e.: Jet blasts backwards towards earth, rocket propels forward towards moon.

I have noticed that there is a converse relationship between several everyday things:

• The smaller the dog, the more it barks.

• The hairier the back, the balder the guy.

• The shorter the haircut, the faster it grows.

• The smaller the grandma, the bigger the Lincoln that she drives.

The Work I Secretly Enjoy

It' s impressive to paint a whole wall, or to texture a ceiling, or lay a whole floor of tile. I like the dramatic results.

There are lots of little jobs that take up my time. They are delicate operations, like removing paint splatters from the woodwork.

More examples,.... Caulk, ..., shims,... spackle, .... a rasp,.... a level, ...a little spit,...

It takes too much time, and I have to switch tools too often. I go to admire my work, and it seems nothing has been accomplished.

It's the fiddle and twiddle and piddle that makes a room really look nice.

But SECRETLY, I love it. It absorbs me.

Levels of Acceptable Disgust

I have noticed some hypocrisy in my heart.

At the beauty salon, if a person comes in who hasn't washed their hair in a few days, I find it disgusting. Those extra few grams of grease take away my smile. But I am suddenly brave when I'm evicting dead animals during tear-out work. Crawling around under the porch with all the cobwebs? No prob.

Here's a disgusting story. Once, while cleaning out a clogged drain in the basement floor, I found a foreign object stuck in the pipe. It was a basketball!! A tiny little basketball! I couldn't see well enough to twiddle it out, so I had to get that water out of the drain somehow. The water was black. Why would it be black? I took a piece of copper pipe which was about 4 feet long and sucked the water out, stopping before the water reached my face. Then I spat it into a nearby bowl. After a while I could see far enough into the drain to coax the ball out with some coat hanger wire. I brought the little basketball home and said, "Jeremy! Smell this thing! It's really stinky!" He refused.

Funny, he usually sniffs things when I say that.

My Answer to Testosterone

Men have Testosterone.... I have Self-Talk.

When I'm alone, I talk myself into the courage I need to face unpleasant jobs. "C'mon! You just have to get in there and do it! I know you don't want to, but it has to be done!"

I even talk to my work. Once, while tightening a leaky pipe, I heard myself saying, "Dry your eyes, honey, everthing's going to be okay." Real plummers never talk like that.

I do things that men would be ashamed to do. I use a make-up bag on my tool belt to hold nails. (I like it because it closes up and the nails don't fall out.) I hold a hammer way up the neck to get the best aim for starting a nail. I read all product labels. I might even go to the manufacturer's website and read even more!

Making Me Feel Small

All of the equiptment and tools are too big for me.

I had to sew a little pleat into my tool belt to make it small enough for my waist. It left a neat little pocket there just big enough for my lipstick. (I discovered that I don't get good service at the hardware stores if I look too messy.) I had to quit wearing the lipstick, though. The drywall dust kept sticking to it.

If they made girl-sized tools, would they make girl-sized 2-by-4's to accomodate those cute little tools? Smaller walls for the smaller wall scrapers?

One thing I'm grateful for is all the girlie-sized trucks out there.

Alternate Girl-style Methods

Sometimes I am forced to use original ways of solving problems, because I'm not strong enough to do it the guy way.

Jeremy had no problem prying the boards off the edge of the roof. (It's called "Facia" and it has gutters attached to it.) After an hour or so, his side of the roof was clean and bare. I couldn't get even one of those giant nails off! I'm so light, compared to a guy, that the ladder kept lifting off the house when I yanked the nails. So I went into the attic and used a 2x4 like a battering ram on the inside of the facia. Twenty feet of facia, guttering and drip edge fell crashing to the ground. I ran out to see the results of all that racket. Twisted, rotten wreckage laid in the yard. Then, I laughed. It was my very first maniacal laugh. Jeremy wandered over and asked if I would be done by 5:00 o'clock. I said, "I'm done now!"

The only problem now was that I had removed every solid place where a ladder could rest. I needed a place somewhere on the house to lean the ladder while installing the new facia. So I got creative again and rented scaffolding. It's monkey bars for grown-ups! I spent 200 dollars for a week and a half.

Then I discovered that you can buy a part for your ladder called a "ladder stabilizer" that allows me to conveniently lean the ladder on the top of the roof. It costs 15 bucks.

If you are living, you better be learning.

Size 10 Waist, Size 12 Backside

It took a fashion designer from the Lee Jeans company to diagnose my problem. I have troubles finding jeans to fit me, because my butt is disproportionate to my... my... myself.

So I thought, Hummm... African American girls all seem to have similar proportions.... (Not DISproportions in their case,) so I'll go to a predominately black neighborhood. I went to Independence Center Mall and find the jeans of my dreams.

Immeditate disappointment: The jeans fit everywhere, including the front. BUT!.... The back looked like I had a kangaroo pouch. I went to the sales lady... an African American, and said, "Why does this happen?" She said, "I don't know.. all of mine do that, too!" and brought me the same item in the same size 12, but with some enigmatic extra letters like 12/P/A.

Fit great!

Bought 'em!

Wear 'em!

Societies Invent Religions

We all know that societies invent religions.

What then? We truly believe our religions. We NEED religion because we can't control our dark impulses... or our children's... without a greater power. We need it because our fear of death makes us feel terrified, like a cornered animal.

But then each society looks around to other societies and sees that they have different religions. So, what do we conclude? We narrow it down to a few choices:


1. Only one religion is true.
2. Most or all religions are true.
3. No religions are true.
4. Gods have cultural territories.


What we really mean is:

1. Only one religion is true. (All the other gods are fakes and frauds, except mine!)
2. Most or all religions are true. (They are all fakes and frauds but have a good morals.)
3. No religions are true. (All gods are fakes and frauds!)
4. Gods have cultural territories. (They are only fakes and frauds outside of their own cultural jurisdiction.)


Every once in awhile, one of us shockingly concludes:


"Why would it be so impossible and so inconceivable that out of all the myriads of religions out there, my religion is one of the frauds? What steps must I take to discover the truth?"

Female Construction Worker

I'm not the same as those GUY construction workers. I envy them.. the way they avoid drowning themselves in the details. But sometimes my ways are good ways. They like to tear out the old and put up all new. I like to renovate the old. It's cheaper. And less heavy lifting involved. I smooth old plaster walls with drywall mud rather than tear them out. I clean the old varnish rather than paint over it.

I used to be a jeweler. That's why I want to name my company, "Jewel Home Investments." I will find an ugly, old house that is a gem-in-the-rough and make it something beautiful.

Win/Win Situation

Dear Diary,


I'm just so happy. My best friend Jenny and I are going to look at my investment house and see the progress. I know she will like it. Her husband Brent is likely to say just about anything concerning the place, but whatever he says, it will be his true feelings.

I think we may end up moving into that house. Then we plan on remodeling the kitchen in our current residence to sell it. When it sells, we will be free from all dept, including house payments. Imagine that! How un-American! But I don't want to move, because it's further away from everything, and closer to some skinny teenagers who are, "well-known to us," say the cops. Jeremy wants to do it, though, and I want him to feel like he's the king. More gets done that way.

If we don't move, and just sell the investment house, then I get to quit my job at Great Clips after the sale of the house. Then I will work all my days at the lucrative investments houses, instead of giving the best years of my life to making someone else rich.

Progress!

It's so fun to see plans become realities. Today I worked on my house from 8:30 am to 10 pm. The bathroom trim is finished, and the walls only need a final coat of color. Tomorrow, TILE! ... or that is what I think I should do. Sometimes TOMORROW turns into NEXT MONTH. My friend Mary helped me sanding and painting, and really put the good mood over the top into unreasonably happy.

I will be working lots of evenings, so I can finish this big house and get on with my life.

I had a talk with my poor husband that was probably a waste of time. I told him that if he doesn't get out of the house and spend time with his friends David and John while I'm gone, I would quit working on the house in the evenings and come home to keep him from playing video games all night. He said, "Do they have video games at their houses? They can come over to my house to watch me play games." If you can't see through the comment, it means he plans on being alone rather than joining the human race.

2 Decisions

Decision #1: I have been using the help of an employee named Jose to work on my investment house, but he's not reliable. He didn't show up again today, and I wasted too much time driving to pick up his non-existant self, and waiting for nobody. This is not how I would chose to spend my morning. I will try to do most of the work myself until this house is done. Then I will hire someone who will show up 5 days a week, God willing. I hope I can find a little help, though...
I'm so exciting about seeing the big results that are soon to come! If it looks anything like the image in my head, it's gonna so pretty!


Decision #2: The catty female at my job has lost her grip on reality. I realized this when she made outlandish accusations at the staff meeting. (How dare anyone mention to her that she has a low tire!) I tried to accomodate her requests in the past, but it just made her worse. She made a spectacle of herself. She's a powder keg. She's got a chip on her shoulder. She's paranoid. She doesn't sign my check. Therefore, I will not negotiate with her in the future. It seems to encourage her, just like negotiating with terrorists. I will just comment to myself, "Poor thing, she probably just forgot to take her medication today." It's just a shame that I wasted a whole day thinking about this. I hope she does have some medication somewhere...

Best Day in a While, and a New Goal

Pleasant events that are easily forgotten:

Carnival with- dancers, drummers, trick horses, and a Russian-speaking friend from the past.

Jeremy turning to me and saying, "This is nice, going on a walk with you."

Beautiful glass from the art show.

Cooking with April.

A new goal:

Collect enough of our nice photos to sell them as art in an art show!